Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
