Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
