I hate your face
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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