omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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