Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
