Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just want to make out with him forever
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
