It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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