just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He better not be in your backpack
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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