so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
