Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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