Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
