This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize