i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
