What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
