Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
