Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
