yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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