I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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