turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I need moral support for this bender
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Your penis caused this!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
