Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
