Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
