he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
