At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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