I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
