it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
