i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
