Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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