Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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