I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize