Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
