I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
