Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
