He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
