Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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