do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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