I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
