dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
