I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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