you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
