This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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