Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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