We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
