If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
