life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
