After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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