Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize