Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We got so high we made milksteak
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
