i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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