matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Don't make out with my wife yet
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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