My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
