you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
