Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
