just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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