so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
