I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
